So I started to pick my life back up again. Was it ever shattered? Well not shattered, but derelict with an air of desolation. How else does one explain a desire to be away from it all, knowing what needed to be done, but being unable to do it? First I had to let go of people and things that would be a hindrance to clearly hearing and following. It’s like loosing a limb, when you let go of someone you love. The sensation remains, but it’s an illusion, they’re gone and it’s for good. After this comes a serious cleaning and setting of house in order. The junk (sins, lusts of the eyes, baggage like pride, hurt and forgiveness) was packed up and put out for the garbage man to collect. Still on a roll, the prayer mat was brought out and the altar set up. Then came the moment of great suspense; would that timid knock be heard, and would HE want to see me? So I sat and began to wait, and it didn’t take long for HIM to grace me with HIS presence. As I waited to see how much scolding I could take before running off, I was amazed to see myself reduced to tears. There were no vibes of animosity or disgust, in fact HE seemed like HE was restraining Himself from loving on me with a hug. After all I had left, not HIM. It was amazing to see, HE was as I remembered, warm, light, refreshing, and a breath of fresh air for my starved lungs. HE was silent, watching me, taking in the sorry mess that I’d become. HE saw me embattled, and struggling to keep my facade in place, and then HE smiled, and it broke me, as it’s rays tugged at my heart reminding me of a time when we never were apart, a time when we laughed, and played and didn’t have a care in the world. It reminded me of a time when our minds were connected, and HIS thoughts became mine.
Then I saw the way I left. The day is a blur, it had all started slowly, like poison in the system, and it had started with my mind, this rot that wouldn’t go away spreading like cancer. One thought and I was hooked. Like a moth to a flame, I was drawn, and the tango was my favorite dance. Slowly my time was consumed with this new fangled thought, and I withdrew from HIM. Did HE try to reach me? Yes severally, HE would try to talk, but I’d shut HIM out. I was taken in by this illusion, and slowly this virtuous woman began to shed virtue for the glamor. She began to trade her beauty for ash offered on a gold platter. HE pleaded, HE cajoled, HE threatened, all to no avail, like a sleepwalker unaware of danger, I was oblivious and then I arrived at that sorry sad place, where I could share my pain and worry with none. The facade had to stay in place and so it was!!!!!!!!!!!! As I wandered, lost, alone, miserable, and cold with nothing to show for myself but the material things gathered, and an empty house. My mind awoke as it fixated on a memory of a home, of joy, of peace, and so much love. How do I go back? HE wouldn’t want me now, would HE?
I remember the day HE had come for me. We had met, with me sitting on my own, a slave to master (f). I bothered no one, but was unhappy. I wanted more but was not getting it. HE had seen me and taken it all in at a glance. HE saw my heart, and it’s desires, HE saw my struggles. HIS warmth was inviting, and as I gravitated towards HIM, I saw life for all it was meant to be. He chose to pay the price set by King L. HIS blood! What???????? Yes you read right, HIS blood. That was King L’s ultimate requirement. I was his by virtue of my liaison with master (f), and he would not let me go so easily. He paid willingly, not a word was uttered as HE took that beating, as HE was humiliated, HE thought only of the joy true freedom would bring me and that was enough for HIM. And so it was that we began out love affair. Yes I flaunted HIS requests, denied HIM HIS rights and kept HIM locked out when the fancy took me, but still HE loved me with no conditions attached, remembering the girl HE had seen and fallen in love with. Now I’d walked out, not giving a hoot, right back into the arms of master (f), and for HIM it was like death again, like being humiliated again. So why would HE want me? Better girls waited on HIM, willing to love as I hadn’t. I tried to think of a time when HE had ever been unfaithful or hurtful, but kept drawing a blank. HE had been perfect in every way, indulgent but still firm enough to curb my excesses. He’d seen my inabilities, but he had covered them with HIS abilities. HE had taken my pain, and replaced it with every joy known to man. Even when we fought, HE would reach out time and time again. In my foolishness, I walked out, because I felt I was tired of being holy, tired of living pure, I wanted to “live”, but it was futile, and alone I was finding that out.
Summoning all the strength left in me, I put my house in order, and I head to His place before nerves desert me. I was certain I would be scorned, but even if I was the sight of HIM would warm my heart. I expected to be turned back at the gates, as the HIS guards had already probably been briefed on the ingrate of a bride, who’d abandoned her home. What a surprise it was when on seeing and recognizing me, they quickly opened the gates. I’d come as I was, filthy and very tired from cleaning up, or trying to. The glamor (ash) was there, but a “bruised reed” was what was visible. They ushered me past the courtyard and into the room where HE receives important guests. Now this was unexpected, I was not in the right frame of mind to see anybody, but HIM. Was this a ploy to embarrass me, make me feel like less than I already felt? Then the air changed, and I Knew HE had walked in. I was afraid to turn around, what would I see in HIS eyes? He however had no such qualms, as HE walked round, took my hands without a word and led me into our living room. HE sat me down, and that is how I got to where I started of. HIS silence was unnerving, and I knew HE saw it all, but wanted me to feel comfortable in HIS presence, easier said than done.
